After ten years of little contact with his brother Jake, about a month ago Bryan started receiving calls from him. At first Jake told Bryan that his common-law wife had left him, and hinted that he’d like to come up from Virginia for a visit, but soon Jake speckled the conversations with references to reincarnation – old souls and instant karma. “Our paths are laid out for us,” Jake told him. Though the conversations were odd to Bryan, he listened. Jake had been removed from his life for so long, since their father died, really, and he didn’t realize until now that he longed to have a brother in his life again.
Monday, June 15
Monday: Hooked on Hooks Critique
This week we have Jennifer Kircher Carr sharing her opening to "Pastlives" with us! Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
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This is a great idea, thanks for doing this...If you cut out the first two sentences, you have the makings of a good hook. My interest was immediately piqued when I read "our paths are laid out for us." Which also made me thought of the title, wondering what I'm to expect in this story. All that stuff before that line is back story, and you don't want to start off with backstory. Just drop me right in into the action with the conversation between the brothers. You can fill the readers in with the nature of their relationship much later in chapter one.
ReplyDeleteLidy, thank you so much for your comments! It's so great to get this kind of feedback, and learn exactly where a reader's interest kicks in. I hadn't even realized that the first two sentences were backstory (I have a problem with my love of backstory!). Thanks for helping me look at this with fresh eyes!
DeleteThanks Lidy! I think that line of dialogue really stands out, which isn't easy, opening a story with dialogue as the first line. Here's a couple that come to mind:
ReplyDelete"Tell me things I won't mind forgetting. Make it useless stuff or skip it." - the opening to Amy Hempel's story, "In the Cemetery Where Al Jolson is Buried"
Two weeks before Christmas, Ellen called me and said, "Faith, I'm dying." That week I was dying, too. - the opening to Grace Paley's story, "Living"
As a reader, I find short first sentences easier to latch on to. The line of dialogue does just that.
Hi - A whole background to the story in one paragraph. But, the author also grabs us to pull us further in with these lines, "... but soon Jake speckled the conversations with references to reincarnation – old souls and instant karma. “Our paths are laid out for us,” Jake told him." I would definitely want to read more. :)
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Thanks, Diane! Those lines are favorites of mine - which is always dicey territory, I know. But glad to see that grabbed your interest, as well as Kimberly's. Glad you'd want to read more - thank you!
DeleteI agree Diane, the reference to reincarnation grabbed me; I love any story with a universal truth and a fantastic connection between people or within a person's own life, really makes me feel like I am taking a deep breath of air.
ReplyDeleteI really love the idea of these posts, Kimberly and thank you, Jennifer, for sharing your hook. (Btw - I'm Caroline form the Kona group).
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the backstory, although we're always told to keep that for later. I stumbled over the structure of the sentences. They don't draw you in, they make you work too hard. It eases up after sentence two.
So my suggestion would be to rearrange and streamline them like so
About a month ago, Bryan started receiving calls from his brother Jake, after a ten year silence. At first he told Bryan that his wife had left him and hinted at coming for a visit, but soon Jake speckled the conversations with references to reincarnation – old souls and instant karma.
“Our paths are laid out for us,” Jake told him. Though the conversations were odd to Bryan, he listened. Jake had been removed from his life since the death of their father and, until now, Brian hadn't even realised how much he longed to have a brother in his life again.
Something like this. When I read it aloud, it runs more smoothly. I personally loved the detail of the ten year silence. It caught my interest and told me that there was a lot of hidden conflict. It was really the structure that held me at arms length.
Thank you, Caroline, for your suggestions! Excellent point about stumbling over the structure of the sentences, and that they make you work too hard. I've struggled a lot with this opening - and I think I am so familiar with the content that I don't realize how much I'm asking of my reader to get up to speed with where we are at the story opening. I'm bringing the reader up to speed rather than hooking them in! I really like your rearrangement - much appreciated!
DeleteThanks Caroline for stopping in and sharing your thoughts with Jen! Great idea about rewording it :)
ReplyDeleteKimberly, thank you so much for this opportunity to share my opening paragraph. I received such valuable feedback that I can take back to my story and make my "hook" stronger. Many thanks!
ReplyDeleteSecond time lucky at posting I hope....I agree with Caroline about the first sentence and her suggested rewrite flows better as it keeps the reader engaged in the story instead of focused on the form.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably addressed later but I found myself asking is it out of the norm for Jake to refer to karma, reincarnation? Or is Bryan too out of touch to remember. I am a greedy reader so I like that bit of extra detail like a comparison to perhaps his last memory of his brother.
I do love the wistfulness of this: 'he didn’t realize until now that he longed to have a brother in his life again.'
It resonated with me and I would love to read the rest some day.
Thank you Kimberly for launching this site, and thank you Jennifer for sharing your opening. It definitely sets up a story I'm intrigued to learn more about, but agree you may want to begin in the dialogue. The last two sentences set the story in motion and tell us all we need to become invested in the estranged brothers.
ReplyDelete